Archives for posts with tag: depression
A tea and death metal fuelled frenzy!
Sorted all the books in my living romo
Got all of the random crap out of my living room
romo too
Swept living room
Used CLR (soap scum+calcium+lime+rust remover cleaner) to clean my shower. That too awhile and a lot of elbow grease.
Cleaned my sinks. Kitchen and bathroom
Cleaned kitchen counters
Did the dishes
Cleaned my water boiler gizmo
Cleaned the fridge so it’s now spotless inside and out
Boxed sorted books that I’m getting rid of
Put ‘keep’ and ‘keep for now’ books away on shelf
Cleaned window screen in bathroom
Emptied trashes
Anti-flea sprayed the other room just in case.
Made dinner
Organized my creative area
Replied to prospective lodgers, set meetings for Thursday and tomorrow
Checked litter box, emptied the pan that catches litter when kitty paws are coming out of litter box.
Cleaned bathroom floor
Cleaned toilet
Cleaned pantry shelf
Fought off depression
Exercised for half an hour
Resisted urge to reactivate facebook
Dealt with intense loneliness (successfully!)
Arranged design meeting with friend
Socialized with new friend
…all accomplished in about 6 hours. RAWR!

Although the sharp edges of my previous postings no doubt serve to convince the faithful that I am deeply unhappy and angry at ‘god’, that is not actually the case. I’m not angry at any of the thousands of deities man has postulated–I just have a wounded mind. 

Depression is both discrete from grief and not reliant on having a rational source. If I may be forgiven for flippancy, I would say that depression and anxiety are the Tillandsia of the emotional spectrum–they root in little or nothing and remain obstinately hale with only the very slightest support from real-world events.

As Andrew Solomon mentions in his excellent commentary on the subject, (found here) depression is not unhappiness but rather the absence of vitality. A crushing enervation and bone-deep chill which siphons the zest and enjoyment from those who suffer it; known by the sufferer to be nonsensical, irrational, and baseless but inescapable nevertheless. I’ve been dealing with it for a long time, and the best strategy I’ve been able to find thus far is to recognize that it’s in some part external and focus exclusively on self-care. The obvious disadvantage to this strategy is that it tends to rapidly corrode one’s work or school performance, and there’s nothing quite as delightful as depression spiced up with guilt and anxiety.

My trouble tends to be that I want to analyze and solve problems, and depression is a bottomless pit of problems that cannot be rectified. The only winning solution can be found in Wargames. The only winning strategy is not to play. It sounds like giving up, you might say, and in some ways it is, but if one’s brain is constantly keening in agony and screaming that nobody cares, nobody loves you, nobody ever will, and you don’t deserve to live… It might be a good thing to avoid trying to sort all that out right at that moment and have a sandwich because you know you haven’t eaten yet and you really ought to.

All I’m saying is that god isn’t going to make you that sandwich.